Bane needs a hug and a sandwich.

Caution, Minor Spoilers.

I’m not really a comic book guy.  I don’t think I’ve ever purchased one.  I may have read 3 from cover to cover.  I just don’t understand the obsession.  I do, however, seemingly love comic book movies; particularly the latest batch that have been released with accessible stories, solid acting, big budgets and amazing effects.

When I was reading about The Avengers in preparation to see it, I noticed how so many people were looking forward to seeing their childhood fantasy questions answered on the big screen.  Thing like “Who would win in a fight, Thor or Iron Man?”  That’s all well and good, but for some reason, I like to think of people with extraordinary abilities doing mundane things. Particularly villains since we get more of a glimpse into the hero’s life and usually there is a secret identity which is filled with everyday activities.  The villain, however, sometimes does not have a secret identity and can often times just be as evil as their day allows.  What consumes the majority of Megatron’s time when he isn’t on screen?  Do you think The Joker read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and wrote little notes in the margins about how it could be nefariously implemented?

This penchant for banality leads me to what I see as a major plot hole in one of the summer’s biggest movies.  I went to see The Dark Knight Rises for the second time last weekend.  There was quite a bit I didn’t catch the first time around because I was busy peeing myself with boyish excitement to see how the trilogy Christopher Nolan has magnificently pieced together would end.  Regardless, I was driving home, practicing my Bane impression (the voice is really just a lazy and more fluctuating Sean Connery) and it came to me as I was working out a bit where Bane goes to a karaoke bar and sings Aretha Franklin’s “RESPECT”.  Some background: the respirator that Bane wears (as explained in the movie) is the only thing keeping him from suffering unimaginable pain due to a torturous injury incurred at the hands of a pit prison mob. The prison doctor mended Bane, but the daughter of Raz Al Gul has the respirator made.

Side note: The doctors in the prison have to be the most amazing physicians in the world. These guys heal Bruce Wayne after a broken back and get him back to fighting weight in under 3 months using only a rope, a well-placed back punch and the sage words of a morphine addict.  These guys could cut recovery wards roughly by 2/3.  I’m sure that prior to their arrival, everyone in the prison had heart cancer.  Now, they’re all healthy as horses.

Back to it: Bane can’t remove the respirator or he get’s facial pain explosions.  So, how does he eat?  Wouldn’t each bite mean excruciating pain that would act as negative reinforcement to consuming a meal.  And, let’s look at this guy.  He doesn’t look like he’s missing any meals.  The only option I can think of would be protein milkshakes through tiny straws that can fit through the holes in the metal at the front.  I know that this is the meal of choice when someone breaks their jaw and has to have it wired shut.  Any other ideas?

Image

I need an efficient way to eat this hamburger!

Side note #2:  How dumb is Batman in his first fight with Bane?  If a guy has a respirator and you’re wearing a Kevlar fist, try punching the respirator!  You would think that this would be his weak point, particularly after every other one of your punches has been met with indifference and manly badassery.

Something, Something, Batman Title

I built a Batmobile.

Well, I guess I didn’t really “build” a Batmobile like this guy built one, but I constructed what I consider to be a reasonable facsimile from a Mazda Miata, a sheet of galvanized steel and some heating vents for the 24 Hours of Lemons Arse-Freeze-A-Palooza in November 2009.

The Eyesore Racing Batmobile

While I was researching the classic George Barris-built Batmobile, I came across a couple of things that struck me as odd.

Firstly, and if you check the crime fighting suits, you will agree, every bat logo is different! WTF? I know that this was in a time long before mass merchandising where every kid had to collect all the action figures, play sets, lunch boxes, bed sheets, sippy cups and whatever else they can slap a logo on these days, but come on! Nobody stood up and said, “Hey, why don’t we have some consistency on the bat emblems?” Check it out. The logo on the door is different from the logo on the wheels. Both of these are different from the emblem on Batman’s chest which, you would think would be the same as the one on his belt, but nay, I say. Completely different again! Wanna talk Batgirl? Sure. Different emblems on both her chest and belt. Not different from just Batman, different from everything! Of course, wanting to be period correct (read: detail oriented/anal retentive), Kat, who hand made many of our costumes, created different bats for all of these. I got off easy since I found a website that I could just print out the images. Still, 6 different bats?

Second, look at this picture.

Notice anything? The Batmobile is registered with Gotham City! For one thing, shouldn’t Gotham City be part of a state? I don’t register my car with Los Angeles, I register with the state of California. Also, the Batmobile is registered! As a vigilante crime-fighter, it amuses me to no end that Batman would obey this law while systematically taking others into his own hands. He may battle super villains, but he will not mess with the DMV. Obviously, this was before SMOG checks, so I’m assuming that no one threw the Batmobile up on a dyno to check its emissions. Would they have checked both the standard Ford 408 ci engine and the turbine or would it just be one or the other? Would it qualify for exempt status anyway since it is technically a hybrid vehicle? I wonder if he could register by phone or if he had to go into the DMV. Would he go as Bruce Wayne and just try to charm a doe-eyed public servant with some false information about a black Lincoln (though, that could be traced back to him if he parked in front of a fire hydrant or something) or did he have to go in, take a number and wait for it to be called while dressed as Batman? Would Robin come too?

Eyesore Racing @ Thunder Hill 2009 24 Hours of Lemons