I went to Dairy Queen for lunch yesterday for two reasons.
1. I apparently hate myself.
2. I saw an ad for a $3.99 chicken strip basket while on the elliptical machine at the gym. The irony doesn’t escape me either.
So, on my way home to let the dog out, I stopped by the local DQ for a big basket of yellow and a Blizzard. I really didn’t need the Blizzard, since the 4 piece basket (with gravy for dipping sauce!) more than filled me up and absolved my need for calories for the next 3 days, but I had already ordered it and I like ice cream, so I forced it upon myself like a foreign religion at the end of a sword upon the conquered masses.
Let me just say, first off, that I love blended ice cream treats. I especially love chocolate chip cookie dough versions, because the cookie dough chunks are sweeter than anything God had a right to put on this Earth. Finding a big vein of cookie dough while mining through a serene backdrop of pallid vanilla ice cream is equivalent to winning the lottery! Hacking off a big, amorphous hunk of dough with a little plastic utensil (or metal if you’re all “la-de-da”), but saving part of it for your next spoonful shows advanced planning, delayed gratification as well as a sense of maturity and refinement that may not be for everyone, but certainly has a place among the ice cream elite.
But this Blizzard was so unsatisfying that it literally made me angry.
Why, you ask. How can something that I was certain to love so much, and have in the past, turn on me? Was it the fact that I was already stuffed with grease and gravy? No. Was it that the weather is turning colder and ice cream is better eaten on warm days? No. It was the uniformity of the cookie dough!
Rather than having random chunks of cookie dough, the queen of all that is dairy has sent forth an edict that it makes more sense to have little balls of cookie dough, each the same size, dispersed throughout the treat. Where’s the excitement? Where’s the suspense? Where’s the breaking of a plastic spoon because the cookie dough is too hard to cut?
Oh, I still ate it… all! But that will be my last cookie dough treat from Dairy Queen! Damn your uniform cookie dough! And, without the needless ice cream, what reason do I have to eat your mediocre food, monarch of the milk products? None, I say! Both your chill and your grill are dead to me.