While I was holed up in a secret government prison on the outskirts of Toledo for the last three months for alleged crimes that I can neither confirm nor deny at this time, I was not permitted internet access, a word processor or clean socks. Therefore, I will make this month a 3-for-1 with the gingers!
For one reason or another, executives who are responsible for pairing fries, sodas and burgers on a “value meal” that have resulted in my not being able to get ripped like Jesus have also undeniably agreed that they need red-headed spokespeople to sell those products to children. While the rest of the world may scoff and threaten to burn us at the stake for being witches, they will invite also quickly us (in parody form, of course) to cook food for and eat with their children. Sure, some chains don’t follow this wise trend, but we’re talking about successful burger joints! The biggest three in the world are here with their freckled faces smiling proudly.
Ladies First: Wendy’s (6,700)
How much would it suck to be one of Dave Thomas’ other kids?
“So your dad is Dave Thomas, huh?”
“Yeah, yeah he is.”
“So are you…”
“No, that’s my sister. Obviously his favorite.”
Melinda Lou “Wendy” Thomas was actually Dave Thomas’ fourth child for whom the chain is named and who’s face appears on the trademark sign. Thomas chose Wendy as his favorite child for reasons unknown to scholars, but many believe that he believed Wendy was the least likely to “turn gay.”
It’s Good to be King: The Burger King (11,200 locations)
The king, like so much many of regal blood before him, proudly displays his crimson locks beneath a heavy, heavy crown. I know that he looks happy, shiny and a bit creepy, but there is solace in those eyes. Dealing with all those people “having it their way” and knowing that “it takes two hands to handle a Whopper” really start taking their toll.
Not only that, but the King has been dropped from the advertising that is named for him on several occasions. Sure, he goes back to the days when the fledging franchise was known as Insta-Burger King. There he sat on his bun of power, doling out wisdom and justice while lesser lords in cushy offices decided that a subservient chicken death march or Buffy the Vampire Slayer were better spokespeople for the brand.
Patience paid off for the King, however, as he has come back to enlighten a new generation with his slick, unwavering hair and smile. Oh, who am I kidding? That face just says, “Here comes a rapin’.”
Send in the Clowns: Ronald McDonald (31,000 locations)
What more is there to say? Number 1 restaurant in the world, more recognizable than Jesus, and responsible for fewer deaths than only Philip Morris, Ronald McDonald has stood the test of time and persuaded generations of youngsters that Happy Meals would bring them joy and a future of solid arteries.
Ronald can speak 31 languages which comes in equally handy when conversing with the children of the diverse nations in which his restaurants are located as it is when trolling the backstreets of third world bazaars looking for a fix. Originally played by everyone’s favorite centurian-celebrating weather man, Willard Scott, the corporation dropped the merry meteorologist when he got fat and wanted to portray a fit and healthy clown that children could aspire to be like. Unfortunately, after decades of Big Macs and super sized fries, most end up looking like Grimmace.
Welcome to the club, now get back to the heat lamps; lunch rush is about to start.