Happy Father’s Day, From Your Straight B Student

On the way home from work today, I got behind a dark gray Toyota Solara convertible.  Normally, the license plate holders on topless appliances like this have the dealer’s name where they bought the car, that the driver is an alumni of USC (why is it always USC?!) or, in extreme cases LAKERS!!!!

Not this one.  No.  It was personalized. 

Above the plate was: LUV U, DAD!

Below the plate was: from your straight ‘A’ student

A couple things:

1. First of all, how did you get straight A’s if you spell like you’re tweeting?  Maybe the kiosk in the mall charges by the letter and you were an economics major.  If so, good for you.

2. This is the most overcompensating, insecure, asshole license plate frame I’ve ever seen!  Really?!  You need to tell the world that you got straight A’s?  “Oh, I may have just cut you off like an idiot, but at least I did well in school.”  Fuck you.  What did your dad do to you to make you feel so badly that you had to post your transcript on the back side of their car? 

3. Can’t the driver just, I don’t know, tell their dad that they love them without plastering it on the back of their car?  Did their dad leave home, causing them to strive for better grades to prove themselves?  Is this the most effective way they’ve thought of to find their dad; hoping against all hope that he’ll one day pull up behind them at a stoplight and think, “Maybe that illegitimate child I had made straight A’s”?  Then there will be a big moment where they look at eachother through the rear view mirror and see that they have the same eyes. “Dad?” “Junior?”  Then they’ll each hop out of their cars and embrace.  Stepping away, the child will immediately be hit by a bus and the father will steal the car, being that it is far nicer than his.  Serves ’em both right.

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