Films: Paul Blart, Mall Cop

The other day, I made the pronouncement to a co-worker that I had lost faith in humanity. I wish that it had something to do with the continuance of violence, intolerance or lack of understanding that drives wedges between nations, regions and even families, but it was something else entirely.

I lost my faith in humanity when I heard that the #1 movie in America was Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Today, I found out that it was the #1 movie in America for the second week in a row and I’m thankful that I don’t own a gun so I can’t put it to my head and welcome the sweet embrace of death.

As I stated the title, this was the response: “What’s it called?”
“Paul Blart Mall Cop.”
“Paul Blart. Mall Cop.”
“I’ve never heard that. What is it called?”

It was then that I realized that the syllables don’t make any sense when they are stated out loud. Go ahead; say it out loud! “POLLBLART MOLLKOP.” Those aren’t real words. They sound like something that a fantasy dwarf should say in response to a kindly wizard’s query.

Not since Meet the Spartans have I had such a distaste for this country’s choice in cinema. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an art house snob. I’ll watch stuff with ‘splosions in it all day long, but really; a movie about a fat security guard who has to save a mall from crazy people trying to rob a bank? And while we’re on it, who tries to take over a mall? Worst heist plan since Tim Roth stuck up that restaurant in Pulp Fiction.

This news may have sullied the Inauguration for me. How do I reconcile that?


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